“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
You Might Also Like
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”
What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?
Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….