it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
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You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.