To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
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“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
I am having an out of money experience.
God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks
How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?
Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.
Kylo:
Leia:
Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
Me buying fruit and veg
Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.