One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
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*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
This squirrel eats better than I do
I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.
math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass
me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?
math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit
me:
math teacher:
me: i don’t- is that going to be enough
5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
me: how was school?
son: i got in trouble today
me: what for?
son: kung fu fighting
me: wow I’m so disappointed
son: but everybody was doing it
*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.