(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
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May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
Cucumbers Anonymous
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.