[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
You Might Also Like
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
Beards are a privilege, not a right
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
my mind
You just read my mind
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
Battery falling down a hole