Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!
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i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.