Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
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As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
The pen is writier than the sword.
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…