This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
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My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
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[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
a public service announcement
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.