Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
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After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
Blew my mind.
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it