people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
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Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.
DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
[Christmas]
Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!
Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*
This is amazing.