Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
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“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
A leaf blower, but for people.
Aw man, but that’s the best part
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.