My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
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Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
[watching The Avengers]
7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?
ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies
Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!