What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny
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Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
Me: What’s your name please?
Customer: Hal
Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?
Customer: Harold
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah
Boss: Could you ever just don’t?
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?