First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
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Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*
Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*
4yo: *Starts telling it again*
Me: *Dies*
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
How dramatic are you?
The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.
Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…