If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
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*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
#parenting
Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.
Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.
Me: no just-just one.
Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.
Me: uh what?
Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”