[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
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In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-
Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why
Juliet: Well-
Romeo: So you’re asking why I am
Juliet:
Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.