Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
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Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
this… may be the greatest story ever told
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
I’m ready for Halloween this year
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.