Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
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I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
when someone rings the doorbell
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”