[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
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My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
they finally got him. they got macavity
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
“I FIXED IT!”
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead