My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.
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ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue:
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
reviewed some movies recently
Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?
I lost him to addiction.
Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?
Yes please.
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
*power walks to the refrigerator*
Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*