gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
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My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here
Me: what?
Mailman: what’s in the package
Me: oh I thought u meant my house
Mailman: no haha
Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol
Mailman: for real what is it
Me: oh bowling balls without holes
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
whenever i wake up before my alarm
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.