You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
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December birthdays be like…
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
These dogs look like they have good credit.
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)