I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
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If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
[first day as an architect]
boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”
me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”
boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”
me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
What my back needs
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.