Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
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“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
[dinner w/friends]
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.
The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!