[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
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Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
bad news gang
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”