Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
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I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”
If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.