A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
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Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!