STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
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My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan
“you recording!?”
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
Coding: Where incessantly talking to yourself seems completely normal and debugging is like being a detective in a movie where you are both the detective and the perpetrator.
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
waiter: what would you like?
me: maybe the steak
waiter: and what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have the steak too
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
So glad we cleared that up
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.