WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings ๐จ๐ธ๐พ’๐ป๐ฎ ๐ญ๐๐ฒ๐ท๐ฐ ๐น๐ป๐ธ๐ซ๐ช๐ซ๐ต๐
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Now, where’s the sport in that?
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now sheโs signed up for summer school
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
My daughterโs birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
Wait a minuteโฆ
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
Lady t-rex: Iโm tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: ๐
These dogs look like they have good credit.
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if Iโm not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes Iโll be on the phone with him and heโll say โIโm going into an elevatorโ and hang up
(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.