Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
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“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital
When someone says you are so lazy
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.