me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
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My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
I’m crying im so happy for them
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.
-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’
-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…