Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
You Might Also Like
“What?”
– Jude
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
But I really needed water water water
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”