911, what’s your emergency?
Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand
Are you left handed?
No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button
Okay but why are you whispering?
I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel
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My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
Me: Go to bed
5-year-old: One more question
Me: Fine
5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?
Me
5:
Me: Get some coffee
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
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According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
tell em, edith-anne
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”