I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
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Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad