Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
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It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
I’m too Shreksy for my shirt
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.