“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
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If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.
Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities