my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
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Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”