me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
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Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
Had an epiphany today.
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
My diet was going really well until I woke up.