MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
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bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
Oh to be a 1998 baby
✔️ first memory is 9/11
✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008
✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”