BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
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[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.