me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
You Might Also Like
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
Roommate gets sinus infection: treats it with chai tea and three different medications.
I get the same thing: GIVE ME ALL THE WASABI. CLEAR OUT MY SINUSES WITH CLEANSING FIRE. MAKE THEM AN INHOSPITABLE DESERT TO MAN, BEAST, AND VIRUS ALIKE.
Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?
saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.
Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?
Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.