If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
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I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
Wife: *packing a bag*
Me: Where are you going?
W: I’m leaving you for my boss
M: Don’t go—
W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind
M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note
W: I despise you
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100