Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
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Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning