Hmmmmm
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Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
me in 2018: surely next year will be better
me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this
me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.