Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
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My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today
wtf management?!
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.