Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
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Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
Ah..makes sense now
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down