I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
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Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it
reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*