Dating Tips
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5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
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[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
[writing Jurassic Park 2]
Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT
Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-
Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.