[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
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[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero